At Forty, I Chose Simplicity
Turning 40: No Soft Launch. Just Me.
I didn’t wake up at forty transformed. I woke up tired, grounded, and still here. I actually stayed in on my birthday. On the couch and watching Netflix.
I used to think forty would come with answers.
Instead, it came with honesty. This isn’t a reinvention story. It’s a record….of what it cost to get here. There are so many things I wish I had done but time has now passed, but there are so many things I am really proud of. SO much has happened in my thirty’s …Here are some lessons I have learned….
“Growth is lonely, and I chose it anyway.”
The Business Was Never Just a Business
I didn’t set out to build a brand. I was just trying to survive doing something I was good at. Back when I first started, I was just trying to make extra money being a present mom, a flexible mom, a contributing mom. But it turned Into something way more impactful.
Photography came first. Confidence came later. Somewhere in the middle, I realized women weren’t booking me for pictures — they were booking me for permission. Permission to take up space. Permission to stop hiding. Permission to see themselves without punishment.
I learned fast that this kind of work is emotional labor whether you name it or not. You hold stories. You hold shame. You hold people while they learn how to breathe in their own skin again. The most important part is while I was making women feel better… I started to feel better. I started to change. My transformation started to happen. I felt strength and the potential capability that I could break free from what was keeping me a shell of what I was.
This business hardened me in the best way. It taught me how to say no without apologizing. How to charge what I’m worth even when it makes people uncomfortable. How to trust my voice when it’s quieter but sharper.
I’ve helped thousands of women feel okay in their bodies.
That still matters to me. and I am here as a mother….. god forbid a mother in her 40’s still expresses sexuality…. so here I am……
It taught me I could leave
it taught me I could be on my own
it taught me I wasn’t trapped.
“Confidence is quiet. Insecurity is loud.”
Motherhood, Alone, and the Things I Don’t Say Out Loud
Raising kids alone isn’t heroic.
It’s relentless.
I am the only parent in the room most of the time. The one who decides. The one who worries. The one who gets it wrong and still has to keep going. The one who gets blamed for things, the one who takes an emotional beating. I am not saying the other parent dosnt, but my inability to co-parent with high conflict parents is still like doing it all on your own.
I have full custody of one of my kids. That alone comes with its challenges. The fact that every thing is put on me. All the trauma that comes with your child dealing with a parent that abandoned them…. that shit is so hard to navigate. It comes with a very heavy weight and it is not fair. Not for me or my son. But he has me and I have him. And together we have each other.
There’s no break from that. No one else to weigh in. No one else to blame. Every choice lands on me — the good ones and the ones I wish I could redo.
I’ve failed as a parent we all have.
Not in the way people assume — but in the quiet ways that come from exhaustion. I haven’t been able to give him a steady male role model. That truth sits heavy in my chest. Not because I didn’t try, but because sometimes life doesn’t offer clean solutions.
He’s grown up watching me figure things out in real time.
He’s seen my heart break. He’s seen me cry in the kitchen. He’s seen me pull myself together because there wasn’t another option.
This week, I had a panic attack.
My oldest held me until my breathing slowed. He told me I was okay. He grounded me.
I made these kids — and sometimes, they carry me.
And trust me no one is perfect. Some parents are stern, regimented, militant…. and I am not saying that is wrong. But that is not me. I know that my kids know when they come home they will not be pushed, they will not be frightened. I am showing them the love language they deserve. I want to teach them to be kind to women. To express themselves. That it is ok to hug and receive affection. There are to many men out there that suppress themselves and my children will not be one of them.
“Abuse often escalates after separation because the abuser has lost control.”
Love, Damage, and What Trauma Leaves Behind
I trusted when my gut told me not to. I stayed longer than I should have. I believed words over patterns.
This stands so true to the man I left and to the man who crushed my heart….. two different men. Each one taught a huge lesson. Do not believe what you hear, believe what you see. And even if you see it make sure you are not blinded by your lust over what could be and not what actually is.
You see I have massive trust issues. I do not believe good intentions and that is baggage I need to work through. Even now, there is a calming as we speak in real time. But I have seen it before and I will never let me guard down. There is always something lurking in murky water…. just waiting.
Growth Is Quiet. And Lonely.
I didn’t lose people because I became difficult.
I lost them because I became honest.
Being out of a relationship this long has messed with me. I’m lonely. I’m cautious. I don’t trust my excitement around new people because excitement used to be how I ignored red flags. I didnt see them.
I don’t want to give anyone power over my peace again.
So I’m slow.
And maybe that’s okay.
Post-separation abuse doesn’t look dramatic from the outside. It looks like exhaustion. It looks like constant fight mode. It looks like realizing someone will keep trying to hurt you even after you’ve walked away.
That changes you.
It teaches your nervous system that love isn’t neutral. That attachment equals risk.
I am still undoing that.and that is the hardest lesson I learned.
Forty and Sexy
For my fortieth birthday, I did a shoot.
Not because I needed proof. Because I wanted a record.
At this age, sexiness is simple. It’s presence. It’s comfort. It’s not asking for permission.
I didn’t want trendy. I didn’t want loud and colorful like I normally do. . I wanted something that would still make sense ten years from now.
That’s why this month’s Ladies Night is Vogue-inspired. Clean lines. Real emotion. No over-explaining.
Documenting yourself isn’t vanity.
It’s saying: I was here. This mattered.
What I Want From Forty
I want calm.
I want ease in my body.
I want freedom — from survival mode, from explaining myself, from bracing for impact. I dont want to live in this fight mode any more.
I want love that doesn’t feel like a negotiation.
But even if that doesn’t come — I’m okay.
I like who I am.
I fought for her.
And that feels like enough.
I think the 30 year old me would be pretty proud of herself at 40…….. lets make it a good decade
30 yr old me
You did ok